Scotty: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by SpirkTrekker42
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a COMMANDER SCOTT unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your SCOTTY will give you decades of quality performance.


Disclaimer: Spock and Star Trek sadly do not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

A/N2: Had some formatting issues – they are now fixed.

The SHAUN model is in reference to Shaun from Shaun of the Dead, another Pegg character.

After the large reviewer response to my KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY models (THANK YOU) I decided that everyone's favorite Scotsman needed an owner's manual, and this is the end result.

_**.~.**_

_**Scotty: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**_

_**CONGRATULATIONS! **_

You are now the proud owner of a COMMANDER SCOTT unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your SCOTTY will give you decades of quality performance.

**INSTALLATION**

When you receive your SCOTTY unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell him that he will have access to the _Enterprise's_ engines any time he wants. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time.

Your SCOTTY should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the SCOTTY unit.

(a) SCOTTY 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Doohan, 1966)

(b) SCOTTY 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Pegg, 2009)

**Note:** This Owner's Manual refers to SCOTTY 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one **Simon Pegg**.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: MontgomeryScott

Rank_: _Commander_, _ChiefEngineer

Starship:_ U.S.S. Enterprise_

Home Planet: Earth

Home Town: Aberdeen, Scotland

Species: Human

Manufacturers: Mr. and Mrs. Scott

Site of Manufacture: Glasgow

Height: 5ft10in

Weight: insufficientdata

Hair Color: Brown

Eyes: Hazel

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your SCOTTY unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard or Scottish. (He is fluent in both.)

Remember that your SCOTTY is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient: 

This Engineer's IQ is off the scale! He can explain the intricacies of a warp engine and give you the formula he 'invented' for beaming aboard a ship that is travelling at warp. If you want to dazzle your friends, take him with you to your next engineering seminar. Just don't get him started on the _Enterprise_ – his eyes will glaze over as he praises her ample nacelles.

Diffusing Tense Situations:

Your SCOTTY is an expert at cracking a joke or making a funny quip when the tensions between the crew of the _Enterprise_ are at an all time high. You can always count on him to help you get people to relax and laugh. Well… not the SPOCK unit.

Combat:

Your SCOTTY unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, as all Starfleet officers are trained in hand-to-hand combat. But if you really want to see how effective he is in a fight, just insult the _Enterprise _or her engines. He'll knock you right out.

Eating: 

Your SCOTTY unit absolutely loves to eat! If you are short on cash, enroll him in an eating contest. He will be sure to win!

Drinking: 

If there is one thing SCOTTY loves more than eating, it is drinking alcoholic beverages. He can drink just about anyone under the table, including the KIRK and CHEKOV units, although they will tell you otherwise.

Lying:

Chief Engineers don't usually lie – but this one likes to exaggerate. If his captain wants to know how soon the ship's engines can be fixed, SCOTTY will tell him four hours when he can really do it in one. Why? How else is he to keep his reputation as a miracle worker?

Reprogramming the Replicators:

The SCOTTY unit is an old pro at programming new dishes and upgrading old ones. If you're having trouble fixing a broken replicator, he's your man!

Playing the Bagpipes:

Your Scotty is quite proficient at playing the bagpipes, which can come in handy if someone you know is having a funeral. Just don't ask him to play 'Amazing Grace'. JUST. DON'T.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your SCOTTY is compatible with most other humans, especially the UHURA model. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your SCOTTY in conjunction with male models. Be sure to activate his 'slash' setting, as it is automatically set to 'het'. However, watch out if you are trying him out with the KIRK model – if the SPOCK model finds out, he may damage your SCOTTY beyond repair.

The maintenance of a SCOTTY unit as an attachment to an UHURA unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The SCOTTY and UHURA models have several modes of interaction:

(a) Romantic

(b) Friendly

(c) Hostile

Or (d) Drunk, in the case of the SCOTTY unit

WARNING: It is essential that both the SCOTTY and UHURA units be set to the same interaction mode. If the SCOTTY model is set to 'Drunk' while the UHURA is set to 'Hostile', your Scotsman might not be able to defend himself if he incurs her wrath.

**ACCESSORIES**

The items with which your SCOTTY comes equipped, depend on which edition of the human you have purchased.

SCOTTY 1.0 : Wears red engineering Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with kilt and sporran.

SCOTTY 2.0 : Wears red engineering Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with Delta Vega snow-gear and the KEENSER unit.

Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators as well as with considerable pride at being Scottish.

Note: The 2.0 edition comes with a tribble. Please consult the computer on how to help your SCOTTY care for his pet – you don't want the tribble to reproduce in your home. If the tribble does manage to reproduce, STOP FEEDING THE TRIBBLES!

**CLEANING**

Depending on the uses to which you put your SCOTTY, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a water or sonic shower – he likes both. Just make sure to wash off all the grime that goes with working in the bowels of the _Enterprise_.

**LUBRICATION**

To ensure that your SCOTTY remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your SCOTTY unit can be provided by the UHURA unit, sold separately.

**RECHARGING**

After long periods of use, your SCOTTY's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your engineer:

Food:

Your SCOTTY will eat almost anything that is edible. He is fond of Scottish delicacies, such as haggis. He also really loves sandwiches. A word of caution – unless you want him to expand around the waistline, keep him away from donuts.

Drink:

If your SCOTTY's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. He sweats a lot down in Engineering, and needs replenishing on a regular basis. If he has a long night duty shift, give him some coffee. As long as he's off duty, feel free to give him alcohol – he will love you forever. Note: Make sure you consult the McCOY unit for a hangover hypo – you don't want to deal with a cranky Scotsman the next day.

Sleep:

You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your SCOTTY needs to function. However, he needs five hours to function, and seven hours to function well. Research has showed that the efficiency of the SCOTTY unit's rest cycle can be augmented or hindered by sharing a bed with the UHURA unit, depending on the day.

**REPROGRAMMING**

The SCOTTY 2.0 can be issued with a revised engineering skills program from Starfleet. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as technology is always changing.

It is not possible to reprogram the SCOTTY 1.0, who comes with original charm.

**SECURITY**

Thanks to the popularity of the SCOTTY unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your engineer.

* Have your SCOTTY micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn engineers to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)

* Do not leave your SCOTTY unattended in public.

* Do not lend your SCOTTY to anyone (e.g. your friend Mira).

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS **

**Q:** _I have read the statistics that state that Starfleet officers, especially if they are male, are more likely to be killed if they are wearing red. Is this true? Do I need to change my SCOTTY's shirt to ensure a longer lifespan?_

**A:** Not to worry. While the statistics are more than likely true, they only apply to members of security. Your SCOTTY's life, whose expertise is vital to the running of the ship, is not usually put at risk.

**Q:**_ My SCOTTY informed me he has accused of committing murder three times on Argelius II. Have I been issued a faulty unit? _

**A:** Your SCOTTY is not faulty – he is innocent of those charges. Unfortunately, he's been framed for murder by Redjac, a non humanoid life form who has claimed to have been Jack the Ripper. Find a good lawyer to plead his case.

**Q**: _I asked my SCOTTY to fix an old 21__st__ century PC. He attempted to communicate with it by putting the mouse in front of his mouth and talking. What the hell is wrong with him?_

**A**: Just tell him to use the keyboard – he'll fix it in a jiffy!

**TROUBLE SHOOTING**

**Problem: **Admiral Archer called your house, claiming that your SCOTTY unit lost his beagle.

**Solution: **Buy a new beagle, send it to the admiral, and hope for the best.

**Problem:** Your SCOTTY unit keeps swimming around in the cooling system, even when it doesn't need repairing.

**Solution:** Remind him how dangerous it was the first time he did it. The KIRK unit may not always be around to save him. If he wants to swim, tell him to use the _Enterprise_ pool like everyone else.

**Problem:** Crew members keep gossiping that your SCOTTY has a secret still down in Engineering. Is he going to get kicked out of Starfleet if the captain finds out?

**Solution:** How is this a problem? Sure, it's against regulations, but the KIRK unit doesn't mind. He was the one who asked your SCOTTY to build it.

**Problem:** Your SCOTTY is refusing to go out and play with you in the snow.

**Solution:** Unfortunately, he has an extreme aversion to cold weather thanks to his punishment on Delta Vega. Your only hope is to get the SPOCK unit to meld with him and remove the horrible memories.

**Problem:** Your SCOTTY has been neglecting his duties because he is spending too much time 'cleaning the Jeffries tubes' with a certain Communications officer.

**Solution:** Tell him if he doesn't get back to work, you'll send the McCOY unit after him with a hypo to reduce his sex drive. He won't risk it.

**Problem:** Your SCOTTY keeps insisting that zombies are going to attack and that the crew needs to make a plan on how to survive when the zombies attack because this has happened to him before. You start wondering what happened to his sensibilities…

**Solution:** You have been issued a SHAUN model by mistake! Are you sure you don't want to just stick with the classic model?

**Problem:** I want to breed my SCOTTY unit with the UHURA unit, but she is dating the SPOCK unit. How do I accomplish this?

**Solution:** Change the SPOCK unit's setting from 'het' to 'slash' and throw him in a closet with a KIRK unit. The UHURA unit will be in need of comforting when the SPOCK unit announces his intentions to bond with the KIRK unit. This is a good time to send her SCOTTY's way. For optimal results, remind the SCOTTY unit to tell her that he is not afraid to show his emotions.

**Problem:** You're out at a bar celebrating with your SCOTTY unit. He keeps trying to pick up women, but keeps striking out when he tells the woman that he would like to 'beam her up'. How do you get him to stop embarrassing you?

**Solution: **Give him a brand-new technical journal. He'll be so enthralled that he'll want to leave the bar and go read it.

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

Starfleet Academy

PO BOX 1701

EARTH

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

THE END

A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the SCOTTY model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them.


End file.
